I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
