There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
