Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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