I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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