when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
