Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
