have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
