I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
