I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
