I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
4 words: hood of his car
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
