I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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