I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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