nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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