It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I will pee on everything he values.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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