why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
