I heard we made out
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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