just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
nutella sex= disaster
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
