If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
