Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
