I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
