Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
