How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
