Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
