Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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