dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
