I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
