I don't usually arrange sex via text message
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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