He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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