i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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