I wish I could teleport
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
