I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
