Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
