I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
