i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
