thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
