and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
