u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
