I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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