guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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