First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
