Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
