Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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