Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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