I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
