The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
