I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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