I'm so fucking centered right now
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
