i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
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