whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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