I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
