my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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