shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
