apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
